Mario and Bowser on a Boat
by Magikoopa981
Summary: Mario and Bowser are trapped on a boat in the middle of the ocean.
1. 1: Bowser Steals the Boat

Mario and Bowser on a Boat

Chapter 1: Bowser Steals the Boat

One day Mario bought his own boat using the money he got from New Super Mario Bros. 2. The seller called the boat a yacht, but Mario got ripped off since the boat was just a regular wooden row boat with a sail glued in the middle. Oh well. Mario's an idiot.

The next morning, Bowser was feeling particularly spiteful, so he snuck onto the boat and prepared to steal it. He was just cutting the rope that tied the boat to a pier when Mario ran up to the end of the dock.

"Hey! What are you-a doing!?" Mario shouted angrily.

"I'm stealing your boat!" Bowser sneered triumphantly. His claw snapped through the rope, and the boat began to drift away from the dock.

"You dick!" Mario shouted, and then he jumped onboard.

Bowser reared his head back. "Go away!" He roared, letting loose a burst of flame at Mario's head. Mario dropped to the floor, dodging, and the flame ignited the sail of the boat.

"Bwa ha ha!" Bowser laughed. Then he started blowing at the sea water below the boat in order to make the boat sail away faster.

"Mama mia!" Mario whipped his cape out from apparently nowhere and began to desperately swish at the flames. He managed to succeed but his cape was set on fire at the last second. Mario screamed, ripped the flaming cape off, and tossed the precious fabric into water.

Bowser stopped blowing and looked around to admire his handiwork. He and Mario were now six hundred feet from shore.

Mario noticed where they were and started to swear. "You stupid-a turtle! You spiny bastard! You…you…you really-a blow!"

Bowser blinked. "Is, uh, that a compliment?"

"You can steal my girl all you like, you can beat the crap-a out of my brother, but you can't-a hijack my yacht!" Mario shrieked. "I'm-a going to kill you!"

"This is a crappy boat. You should see MY yachts," Bowser boasted.

"This is-a yacht!" Mario shrieked.

"No it's not."

"Yes it is!"

"No it's _not_."

"YES IT IS!" Mario approached Bowser threateningly.

"Stop right there, fat boy!" Bowser held up a clawed hand. "One more step and I light up this whole watercraft!"

"IT'S-A…no, you wouldn't!"

"Yes, I would." Bowser clacked his teeth threateningly. "Try me, fatty."

"I…" Mario hesitated, starting to sweat. He tried to think of something to say or do, but he came up empty. He stepped back in defeat and sat down, "I'm not-a fatty."

"Heh." Bowser sat down on his edge of the boat.

The sun rose and the boat floated further and further out to sea. Soon the shore was a thin strip in the horizon.

"I'm-a hungry," Mario said quietly.

"Would you like a toasted cheese sandwich?" Bowser asked.

"Yes-a please. I love toasted cheese." Mario blinked. "Wait-a minute, where would you get a toasted cheese sandwich?"

"Bwa ha ha! You're an idiot!" Bowser guffawed.

"Where are you-a going to get a toasted cheese?" Mario cried.

"I don't have any toasted cheese you moron," Bowser said angrily.

"But, but you, but," Mario was breaking up.

"God you are dense," Bowser sneered, picking his nose.

"Kettle and tea cup are black!" Mario shouted back, fighting to not burst into tears.

"What?"

"It's-a saying! It…" Mario stamped a foot on the boat, rocking it. "I'm not-a stupid! I'm SMART!"

"You can't just say you're smart," Bowser taunted, "You have to do it."

"Shut up!"

"Make me!"

"I…I…" Mario screamed and ran at Bowser. "I'm-a tossing you overboard!"

"What about your boa…" Bowser started to say, but Mario was already punching him in the face. Bowser fell backward, his weight almost causing the boat to flip.

"Watch it, jackass!" Bowser growled. "Or I really will light this boat on fire."

"I don't-a care anymore!" Mario announced grandly. "You have insulted my-a honor! My-a honor is worth more than my-a boat! I can swim to shore if I must!" Something frightening glinted in his eyes. "I'm not so-a sure you can."

"I totally can!" Bowser snapped back (it was true, he'd done it in Paper Mario 2 and Super Paper Mario), "But I think the cheep cheep in the water will be a bit more of a problem than our swimming abilities."

True to Bowser's word, a large swarm of razor-toothed cheep cheep had surrounded and were beneath the boat, chomping their teeth with a disturbing greed for flesh.

"Uh…" Mario frowned. "I…"

Mario sat back down.

"And the best part of all is that the cheep cheep are under my control!" Bowser snapped his fingers. "Depart for now, my minions!"

The cheep cheep continued to swarm the boat.

"Depart until I have need of you again!" Bowser demanded obnoxiously, snapping his fingers again.

But nothing happened.

"That…these are my cheep cheep! All cheep cheep are part of my army!" Bowser squinted down at the sinister fish.

One of them leapt and latched onto his nose.

"SON OF A BITCH!" He roared, flailing around in pain wildly.


	2. 2: Bowser Becomes Acquainted with a Fish

Chapter 2: Bowser Becomes Acquainted with a Fish

A couple of hours had passed. Mario and Bowser sat on opposite sides of the boat, glaring at each other. They had agreed on a temporary truce until the boat had reached shore.

Around them the cheep cheep still swum in circles, eager for a meal.

"Why can't you just let me have Peach?" Bowser asked sullenly.

"Because she's-a mine!" Mario said. "Also, she doesn't like you," He added as an afterthought.

"Of course she likes me! She lets me kidnap her all the time!" Bowser crossed his arms.

"She…she doesn't let you!" Mario chewed on his lip. "You break-a in and grab her!"

Bowser shrugged. "She doesn't even try to defend herself."

"How is she supposed to defend herself?" Mario fumed.

"I dunno. Take tae-kwan-do classes? Hire a personal guard?"

"I am-a her personal guard!"

"Well you're goddamn awful at it." Bowser grinned toothily. "You're supposed to stop me from getting to her in the first place."

"Shut up!" Mario yelled. "Why should I listen to you anyway?"

"Because I'm smarter than you."

Mario said nothing, he merely seemed like he wanted to explode. Bowser almost stuck a finger in the water to swish around before he remembered the hungry fish below. He stopped his finger just in time.

"You know what you are?" Mario steamed, "A jerk. A big jerk. That's what you are."

"Yeah yeah…" Bowser waved his hand in the air.

"No, shut up!" Mario interrupted. "If you weren't such a jerk I bet the princess would like you more!"

"She likes me a lot!" Bowser growled back, failing to hide the hurt he felt. "She spends more time at my house than she does yours!"

"You…you…" Mario sputtered.

"Besides, I tried being nice, and it sucked!" Bowser sniffed. "Helping people is boring and it gets me nothing!"

"It makes people-a happy!" Mario exclaimed. "Isn't that good enough?"

"No."

"But…" Mario tried to approach the argument from a different angle, "But people will help-a you later if you help them!"

Bowser _hmmfed_. "That's almost something to consider, but I don't have time to wait for things." He crossed his arms. "I need things NOW."

"If you really think-a like that than you are way dumber than I am!" Mario said.

"If I was dumber than you I wouldn't be able to breathe!"

Mario opened his mouth to say something but then seemed to change his mind. "I'm going to take-a nap. You have fun being mean by yourself. I won't be listening." Mario tried to lie on his side along the seat of the raft, but his body was too long.

_Ha, I'll just throw him overboard when he's asleep! _Bowser thought. _And then I'll never have to deal with that idiot again!_

Mario pushed and pulled at the sides of the boat in order to make the sleeping space wider, but he had absolutely no success.

"Darn it!" Mario complained.

"You know, if you got hurt you'd become shorter," Bowser suggested.

Mario thought about it for ten seconds.

"You know-a what, that's actually a good-a idea!" Mario smiled. "See how fun it is to be nice?"

"Hm, yeah."

Mario reached his hand down toward the water. "Here fishy-fishy…"

One of the larger cheep cheep chomped onto Mario's fingers, biting almost completely through them with an unpleasant tearing sound. Mario screamed, flinging his hand up helplessly and sending the blood-thirsty fish flying onto the boat. The cheep cheep landed in the middle of the watercraft, flopping forward and backward trying to tear any bits of flesh off of anyone it could reach.

Bowser screamed like a little girl and scrambled to the very edge of his side of the boat. "MARIO YOU STUPID ASSHOLE!" He kicked his feet out spastically in an attempt to get the cheep cheep away from him.

Mario shrunk to little Mario from the damage he'd recieved, re-growing his fingers in the process. The fish noticed and began to flop to the larger target on the boat: Bowser.

"NO GOD NO!" Screamed Bowser who knew exactly how much it would hurt getting bit by the fish again. "MARIO DO SOMETHING!"

Mario was still dazed from getting powered-down.

"AAAAA," Bowser screamed. The incident would scar him for the rest of his life, giving him a fish-phobia.

Panicked, he let loose a fire ball straight at the cheep cheep, flame broiling it and setting the boat on fire. Mario had recovered just in time to witness this.

"MY YACHT!" He shrieked.

* * *

><p><strong>Merry Christmas and happy holidays everyone!<strong>


	3. 3: Mario Finds A Magic Whistle

Chapter 3: Mario Finds a Magic Whistle

Mario's "yacht" was on fire.

"Abandon ship!" Mario screamed. He turned and prepared to dive off of the boat.

"Stop, you idiot!" Bowser gasped. He fought down the panic of being attacked by the fish and reached into his shell where he had several items hidden, one among them an ice flower. "Catch!" He balled the flower up and threw it over the flames.

Mario caught the bundle and took a large bite out of it. He turned large again becoming Ice Mario and threw a few ice balls, freezing the flaming fish.

The scene had only lasted a few seconds so the boat was relatively undamaged. The only real change to the boat was the large cheep cheep now frozen solid in the center.

Mario and Bowser both took a few moments to catch their breaths.

"Thank-a you very much," Mario said eventually.

"No problem," Bowser sneered, "I love to fix your messes. NOT."

"OH, am I the one who set my-a yacht on fire?" Mario placed a hand on his chest dramatically. "Let me-a see…NO, I wasn't."

"You…"

"I was the one who-a saved us!"

Bowser stomped a foot, causing the boat to tip like a teeter-totter for a second. "I'm the one who had an ice flower! I'm the one who saved us!"

"OH WOW! Bowser the hero!" Mario laughed.

"I was saving my own skin!" Bowser said quickly.

"No-a kidding! You don't have a kind bone in you-a body!" Mario said cruelly.

Bowser sniffed and said nothing. It was part of his pride to be 'the bad guy'.

Mario crossed his arms and fell to his side to lie down to nap, but now he was too large again. He smacked his head on the edge of the boat.

"Meatballs!" He swore. His red hat fell from his head and into the water. "Oh no!"

A cheep cheep immediately chomped onto the hat. Mario reached in lightning fast and grabbed onto the head ware, entering into a fierce tug-of-war with the cheep cheep that had it. Mario jammed his feet into the bottom of the boat and pulled with all of his might.

"Bwa ha ha!" Bowser laughed. "Pull fat boy, pull!"

"Shut up!" Mario wheezed.

Finally, with an extra tug, Mario ripped his hat from the fish's grasp— literally. He landed against the frozen fish statue, tightly clutching his hat which had a brand new hole right in the middle of it. The fish he had fought with was jerked out of the water and sent flying over the boat. Bowser ducked and came to the verge of crying, an act which ended up protecting his face. The cheep cheep landed on Bowser's hair and immediately bit into it. Bowser ripped the fish out (with a large chunk of his red hair) and lobbed the beast far out to sea.

"My hat…" Mario said sadly.

Bowser stood up and roared, "I WANT OFF OF THIS GODDAMN BOAT!" He breathed fire into the air, roasting a seagull in the process that fell dead next to Mario.

The massive reptile looked around desperately, his eyes flashing with panic. There was only endless sea all around— a flat line that extended 360°, a complete circle.

"I'm gonna go crazy," Bowser gripped his head, "I'm gonna lose it. I'm gonna go bonkers."

He glanced over and happened to notice an item that had fallen out of Mario's pocket in the tussle with the fish. "What is that?"

"My-a hat," Mario said sadly, "It just looks-a different because it has a hole in it."

"Not _that _you stupid moronic idiot!" Small puffs of flame flared from Bowser's nostrils. "That— that next to you! That whistle!"

Mario glanced down and saw what Bowser was referring to: a Warp Whistle. Mario's eyes widened.

"My-a Warp Whistle! Where did that come from?"

"I think it fell out of your pocket," Bowser said slowly, trying not to explode and melt the entire boat.

"Oh boy," Mario reached down, "Now I can go home."

"I don't think so!" Bowser snarled, stomping down on the whistle and consequently Mario's hand. Mario howled in pain, changing back from Ice Mario to regular Mario.

"What are you doing you sonna-of-a-bitch?" Mario cried.

"You think I'm going to let you leave me here?" Bowser growled. "I'M the one who's leaving."

"It's your-a fault we're even out here!" Mario yelled, still trying to pull his hand out from under Bowser's massive foot.

Bowser realized with a _*pop* _that even if Mario hadn't shown up, he'd still have ended up in this situation just by stealing the boat. Whatever, it was better just to forget about mistakes. There was nothing you could do about them.

"I had a secret plan that you screwed up!" Bowser replied petulantly. He sniffed. "Now I'm going to lift my foot up a bit so you can remove your hand. DO NOT take the whistle. Got it?"

Mario said something under his breath, and then said: "Got it."

"What did you say?"

"I said GOT IT!" Mario shouted.

Bowser lifted his foot and Mario immediately snatched the Warp Whistle.

"You—you…" Bowser's eyes flared red.

"Ha!" Mario did a mocking little dance. "One toot and I'm home!" He moved the whistle toward his lips, almost dramatically slow.

"NO!" Bowser roared, leaping over the frozen cheep cheep. He landed on the other side of the boat, almost capsizing the thing, and grabbed frantically at the whistle, accidently punching Mario in the face in the process. Mario was shrunk to little Mario.

"Get offa me!" He squeaked.

"Give me the whistle!" Bowser managed to grab the other end of the instrument.

"No!" Little Mario squeaked.

"Let go!" Bowser pulled.

"No no no!" Little Mario pulled back.

"Graaaa…" Bowser pulled—

And the whistle broke in half. That sort of thing tends to happen when something is made out of chalk.

"The Warp Whistle is made out of chalk?" Bowser said palely.

"That's-a the secret to it's magic power," Mario replied quietly.

All was quiet, save for the squawking of sea gulls and the lapping of waves.

"I hate you so much."

* * *

><p><strong>Why does Bowser have an Ice Flower and other stuff in his shell? That will be explained later~!<strong>


	4. 4: Mario Dresses Up as a Fish

Chapter 4: Mario Dresses Up as a Fish

The hours continued to pass. Before Mario and Bowser knew it, the orange glow of the setting sun was falling down on them.

"I'm-a hungry," Mario complained.

"Shut up," Bowser grumbled, though he too was hungry.

"I want to go-a home," Mario whined.

"Shut up."

"I want to-a hug the princess," Mario whimpered.

"SHUT UP!" Bowser roared, almost breathing fire.

"I'm so-a hungry, I could eat grass!" Mario wailed.

His eyes slowly moved over to Bowser.

"Do you happen to have-a any grass in your shell?"

"No!"

"Any-a spaghetti?"

"Negative!" Bowser clenched his fists. "No grass, no spaghetti, no pizza, no doughnuts, no drumsticks, and no FOOD IN GENERAL!"

Mario pouted. "Well-a excuse me, princess!"

"You're not excused." Bowser sniffed and turned his head.

"WHAT?" Mario shrieked. "EXCUSE ME!"

"I won't." Bowser crossed his arms. "And you can't make me."

"How-a dare you!" Mario pointed his finger. "HOW-A DARE YOU! All I-a wanted to know was if you had any-a food, and this is HOW YOU-A TREAT ME?!"

Bowser's vision was starting to get wavy. He had only gone without food for half-a-day, but he usually ate so much that he was already experiencing signs of starvation.

He stuck his tongue out. "Go jump in the water and catch a fish, tubs."

"They will eat-a me first! Are you-a stupid or something?" Mario cried. Frustrated, he kicked the frozen fish in the center of the boat, sending it spinning towards Bowser.

"Don't kick that thing towards me!" Bowser gripped the edges of the boat tightly, digging his claws into the wood.

"Oh ho!" Mario clapped. "I forgot that big-a Bowser was so-a scared of-a teeny fish!"

"I'm not scared!" Bowser snapped. "I'm not scared of anything!"

"Oh, okay," Mario grinned and picked up the fish, still incased in solid ice. "So you wouldn't-a have a problem with seeing this-a fish up close, right?"

"Mario I swear to god…" Bowser snarled fearfully.

"What's-a dat fish?" Mario put his ear up to the frozen fish. "You want to-a see Bowser?"

"Mario…!" Bowser's voice began to sound strangled. "I'm warning you!"

"Mr-a Fish wants you to give him a kiss!" Mario puckered his lips. "Mr-a Fish loves you!"

"Mario get away from me!"

"Here-a he comes! Weee…"

Mario almost had no warning. Bowser let loose a fire ball straight at the fish. Mario dropped it and jumped back, saving himself but leaving the fish to be flame broiled.

When the smoke had cleared, the ice surrounding the cheep cheep had been completely melted away, and it appeared to be lightly sautéed.

The smell was heavenly.

Bowser was still panic-stricken so Mario realized what had happened first. He hopped forward. grabbed the fish, and hopped back.

"Wait…" Bowser's mind had suddenly turned back on.

Mario swallowed the fish whole. He grew back to normal size and then he grew a blue-green fish costume.

"Oh-a wow! I've-a never had this one before!" Mario rubbed his slimy scaled costume.

"Mario what the hell!" Bowser growled. "I was hungry too!"

"I thought you didn't like-a the fish?" Mario asked mockingly.

"That doesn't mean I can't eat it!" Bowser lied to himself. "You stupid fat bastard, you can't even share."

"Oh, shut-a up," Mario waved a finned hand dismissively, "You're just-a jealous that I'm not afraid of a slippery fish!"

Bowser flinched. "Just because I didn't want to kiss a fish doesn't mean I'm afraid of them!"

"What-a-ever. No skin off my-a back." Mario shrugged. "Now I-a wonder what my new suit can do?"

_Screw you Mario! _Bowser thought furiously. _Damn it I'm hungry! Maybe one of the other items I stole is edible!_

An explanation— about an hour before stealing the boat, Bowser figured that he might as well steal a lot of stuff while he was in Toad Town. He broke into a random store by punching the door and grabbed as many things as he could while he was in the dark. He had sorted through a few of the things before stuffing it all into his shell and running for Mario's boat.

_Alright, I'll just reach into my shell and—_

Mario's cheeks bulged and he shot out a long stream of water. The liquid hit Bowser square in the face.

"Son of a bitch!" Bowser shouted, closing his eyes a bit too slowly.

"Hee hee!" Mario giggled.

"What the hell are you doing?!" Bowser exploded.

"Testing my-a fish suit!" Mario spun in a circle, doing a little dance.

"Well don't test it on me or I'll test my fist on your stomach!" Bowser finished with a fearful flash of his teeth, but it appeared that Mario could not care less. He was overjoyed to have a new fish suit.

"Stupid brother-plumber…" Bowser mumbled. He reached his hand toward his shell again, and with no interruptions, reached in.

He pulled out a feather.

_Why the hell would they sell this in a store? _Bowser thought with puzzlement. _Eh, toads are idiots._

He tossed the feather into the water where it was quickly devoured.

He then glanced over at Mario who was now shooting water at the carnivorous fish.

_Alright, well what's next? _Bowser reached in again. He pulled out an unlit bob-omb.

_Now this could be useful later! _He thought evilly.

He put it back and then grabbed another item.

JACKPOT! A big juicy drumstick, perfectly edged with fat and with a crispy skin that gleamed in the evening sun. It was even still warm since it had been next to Bowser's body all this time.

Bowser held out the magnificent drumstick and looked it over. It was a piece of art, a drumstick amongst drumsticks. Now fully seen, it could be fully enjoyed.

Bowser moved the treat towards his open mouth.

Mario had filled his mouth with as much water as possible. What sounded like an explosive fart was followed by the violent escape of a water ball. The water ball slammed straight into the drumstick with the power of a bullet bill, knocking it from Bowser's grasp and twenty feet out into the water.


	5. 5: Mario Goes a Little Crazy

Chapter 5: Mario Goes a Little Crazy

Bowser had been so angry that he had fainted.

When he had woken up it was dawn.

Mario was still asleep, head down against the bench on his side of the boat and rear end up with his legs standing.

"Why does this idiot always beat me?" Bowser said out loud.

Mario woke up. He was still wearing his stupid fish suit.

"Oh, good-a morning Bowser. Isn't it-a refreshing morning?" Mario stretched.

"It would be if I wasn't so _freakin' hungry!_" Bowser snarled.

"Oh yea. Sorry about that." Mario looked out onto the sea. "Hey. Where-a are we?"

"We're still in the middle of the goddamn ocean!" Bowser ground his teeth. "Did you forget?"

"Oh, yea." Mario shook his head. "Gee, I'm kinda hungry."

_I'm going to strangle him! _Bowser thought fiercely. _I'm going to strangle him till' his head pops off!_

…_Okay, I really don't want to, but I might have to make a temporary truce. I hate this moron with a passion, but I hate being stuck out here on his crappy excuse for a "yacht" even more. _

…_Seriously, how is this a yacht? _

"Mario, how can you possibly call this a yacht?" Bowser asked in a mocking tone.

"Excuse-a me?" Mario's eyes flashed. "What are you-a saying?"

"I'm saying this is not a yacht. Need me to spell it out?" Bowser tapped a claw on a wooden side. "If this was a _yacht_, it wouldn't be so stupid small!"

"It says yacht-a right on it!" Mario's face began to turn red. "Look-a on the side of the yacht!"

"I'm not looking over the side! You just want me to get bitten!"

"That's not-a it!" Mario pulled at his mustache. "Look-a at the side! It says "yacht-a" on it!"

"No."

"Look-a at it!" Mario's eyes started to bulge out of his head.

"No. And you can't make me."

"LOOK AT THE SIDE OF THE YACHT-A!"

"Yacht-a? Or yacht? Really, what's with that stupid accent?"

Mario exploded into a long string of Italian. Suddenly his mouth snapped shut and his cheeks began to bulge.

"Oh hell no! Don't you frickin' dare!" Bowser shouted.

Mario's eyes flared and he pointed at the side of the boat. His cheeks grew bulgier and bulgier.

Bowser snarled and curved his neck as far as he could to see the left edge of the boat.

Sure enough, "YOTT" was scrawled on the side.

Bowser curved his head back quickly. "You…"

Water exploded out from Mario's mouth, hitting Bowser's nose and exploding onto his entire face.

"BRAAGHHHLLL! What. The. HELL?!" Bowser jumped up.

"Oopsy." Mario smiled apologetically.

"Are you FUZZING KIDDING ME?!" Bowser tried to control himself. "That was NOT AN ACCIDENT!"

"Whoa! No-a need for that kind-a language!" Mario shook his finger.

"It was not an accident!" Bowser balled his fists and sniffled. "You…you are such an asshole!"

"Uh…you-a okay there?"

"It's not fair!" Bowser suddenly exploded into tears. "Why is it always like this?!"

"Whoa."

"Why can't I ever win?!" Bowser dropped his face into his hands. "Why?!"

"You-a…you-a win kart races a lot." Mario was growing increasingly confused.

"No damn it!" Bowser sobbed. "The princess! I want the princess!"

"Well that's too-a bad." Mario crossed his arms. "I don't— the princess doesn't-a like you."

Bowser made a choking sound and continued to cry.

"But-a…hey," Mario scratched the back of his head, "I could-a totally help you find someone else!"

"But I'm in love with Peachy!"

"Hey." Mario crossed his arms. "Don't-a call her that. That's-a my name for her. And Peaches. Actually, I like-a Peaches more."

Bowser sobbed.

"There's-a special someone for everyone, and Peaches is already mine, so there-a must be someone else for you…" Mario stretched his hand out contemplatively. "Have you-a tried, a…speed dating?"

"I hate you," Bowser moaned.

"Aw c'mon." Mario snapped his overalls. "It's gotta be hard not to-a like me."

"It's not hard at all. You suck."

"No I don't!" Mario frowned. "Now, I know you are-a just saying that because you are-a feeling hurt right now, so I won't get angry."

The boat rocked in the water.

What felt like an hour passed. No one moved.

"You'd help me find a girlfriend?" Bowser sniffled.

"Uh…yeah! Sure!" Mario shrugged. "No-a problem! If it will-a get you offa my back! Ha ha ha!"

_You know just all the right things to say, _Bowser thought. _We need to team up, so I'll agree to your stupid offer for now, but once we land, it'll be a different story…_

"Well, okay," Bowser sat up again and rubbed at his tears. He struggled. "…_Thanks_."

"No-a problem!" Mario laughed. "I heard-a Wario's mom was-a looking for someone! It'll be-a perfect match!"

Bowser was strangling Mario in less than a second.

"Gack…!" Mario gagged.

"You are so funny Mario," Bowser growled, "Tell me who else you'd match me with."

"Gaggh…!"

"C'mon Mario. Who else, huh? How about your mom Mario? Huh? I bet she's really fat and gross."

"B…" Mario choked.

"Yeah, not so funny, huh?" Bowser sighed and stopped strangling Mario just as the fish powerup was lost.

"Boat!" Mario gasped.

"Are you calling me a boat?" Bowser fumed.

"No you-a stupid jerk!" Mario spat. "There's-a boat behind you!"

"What?" Bowser turned his head around.

Indeed there was. Far out in the distance.

"Holy Shlurp! There's a boat!" Bowser's eyes widened. "There's…a…boat…! We need to attract its attention!"

"Can you-a let go of my neck?" Mario asked.

"No!" Bowser growled. "I mean, yes. Yeah, whatever."

He let go and began jumping up and down in the boat. "We're over here!"

"Don't-a yell words!" Mario sputtered. "Do that thing where you groan really loud! They'll-a hear that."

Bowser stopped jumping. "What?"

"You-a know, where you make open your mouth really wide and groan really-a loud! It hurts-a my ears!"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Bowser turned back to face Mario. "I don't know what you are saying."

"You are so-a dumb!" Mario shouted. "Stop being dumb!"

"I'm not listening to your crap anymore," Bowser pointed at Mario, "You are so stupid you don't even…you don't even make sense."

"You are-a stupid! And dumb! At least I can write my name!"

"I can write!" Bowser snapped. "Give me a pencil. I'll show you."

"You think I just-a carry pencils around?" Mario patted his overalls sarcastically. "What do I look like? A pencil sharpener?"

"What does that even mean?" Bowser reached into his shell. "Anyway, I happened to snatch a pencil earlier! Now watch this!"

"I'm not watching," Mario turned his head away.

"Watch, you little %$# !" Bowser swore.

"Sticks and stones may break my-a bones, but swears will never hurt me!" Mario closed his eyes.

"I'll get the goddamn sticks and stones out. _Watch_."

Mario opened one eye.

"Now see?" Bowser clumsily scrawled his name on one of the seats of the boat. "See? See?"

Mario took a quick look and then turned away again. "You-a spelled it wrong."

"What? Are you telling me I don't know how to spell my own name?"

"That's-a how dumb you are."

Bowser curved his fingers. "I'm going to capture the princess one hundred more times just for that."

"And I'll just-a save her." Mario stuck out his tongue. "You big-a loser."

Bowser's face slowly turned red, and it seemed like he was going to faint from anger again, but then he thought of something.

"Alright, Mario, how about you write your name? Show me how smart you are." Bowser waved the pencil in the air. "I bet you can't. I bet you don't even know your ABC's."

"Ha!" Mario shouted. "I'll-a show you! Gimme the pencil!"

"What's the point?" Bowser shrugged. "You'll just try to eat it, you're so braindead."

"_No _I _won't!_" Mario almost screeched. "Gimme the pencil!"

"I really don't think you can, but," Bowser started to hand him the pencil, "If you insist, you big moron…"

Right before Mario could grab the pencil, Bowser flicked it away into the water. A cheep cheep promptly swallowed it.

Mario's eyes bulged and veins started to explode from the edges toward his pupils.

"Oh _well_," Bowser shrugged in a perfectly infuriating manner, "I guess you can't."

Rabid foam began to bubble out of Mario's mouth, and his eyes started to turn red.

"You okay, stupid?" Bowser asked, not entirely aware of what was happening yet.

Mario howled and shoved his hand down into the water.

"Uh…have you gone crazy?" Bowser stared with fascination where Mario's hand had disappeared.

Suddenly it snapped back up, tightly gripping a struggling cheep cheep. It's mouth snapped rapidly and it stared with hate at the only person it could see: Bowser.

"I am a great writer," Mario whispered in a terrifying voice, "I can write my name."

"Mario…don't do anything with that fish," Bowser demanded.

"I am so-a smart," Mario slowly stood and began to walk towards Bowser, "I can even-a write Luigi's name." The fish struggled with the energy of a wild animal, but it couldn't escape from Mario's superhuman grip.

"Mario…" Bowser crawled up to the back of the boat. "Mario, y-you're right. You're a great writer. Now put the damn fish down!"

"I put it-a down," Mario whispered, "I put it-a down on your face."

"Mario," Bowser hissed, "I will breathe fire, I swear to god. I will breathe fire and destroy your stupid yacht."

"We…we-a will go down together. It will be beautiful." One side of Mario's mouth began to twitch.

"No. No. Put down the damn fish. I'm sorry." Bowser kept his eyes on the fish. "You're so smart!"

"How-a smart?"

"You can write your name. You…you can write Luigi's name. You can write every name! Good lord, just put down the fish!"

"The fish…the fishy wants a kiss," Mario whispered.

"Not this %$# again!" Bowser roared. "Put it back in the water! Put it back in the %$# water!"

Even as Bowser fell into complete panic, he had the strangest feeling they were forgetting something important.

* * *

><p>The ship, which had spotted them, stopped beside Mario's yacht just before all hell could break loose.<p>

…

Too bad it was a pirate ship.


	6. 6: Mario and Bowser are Taken by Pirates

Chapter 6

Mario and Bowser had made it onto the (pirate) ship, where they had been immediately surrounded by several pirate shy guys with swords.

"What-a the hell is this?" Mario said to no one in particular.

"We hereby take you prisoner!" One of the shy guys blurted. "Put your scurvy hands up!"

"Are you kidding?!" Bowser looked around. "Do you idiots know who we are?"

"Our prisoners!" Said the same shy guy.

"Landlubbers!" Another shy guy squeaked. He swung his little sword excitedly.

"Wow..." Bowser pinched his brow between two fingers. "We are not on the same page. Listen, you bozos take me home, or I roast your asses."

"Hey-a now," Mario said, "We can be-a nice about this. Listen tiny-a mask people…"

A shy guy darted from behind and poked Mario's butt with a sword, shrinking Mario down to little Mario.

"Who's little now?" The shy guy taunted. "Who's little now?"

"You Sunuva bitch!" Mario shrieked. "You'll all-a die!"

_Whatever, might as well let the plumber take care of everything. _Bowser thought.

But, just before all hell could break loose, there was the creaking of someone incredibly fat walking on wood.

"Wa ha ha! I'd suggest you stop right there!" The voice came from below deck.

Mario swung around wildly. "Who's-a there?"

"Captain!" A shy guy addressed the person coming up, "We've fished these two scallywags from out o' the water. They were, uh…gettin' intimate on their boat."

"WHAT?!" Bowser roared. "We…"

"It's not a boat!" Mario whined.

The door to the lower quarters swung open, and Wario waddled out. He was looking fatter than usual, and wearing a cardboard pirate hat.

"Wah! Well, if it isn't Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes and the Fat Jerk!" Wario took a bite out of a massive clove of garlic he held in one hand. As he munched the white vegetable, small flecks tumbled from his mouth. "My two least-favorite people in the WHOLE world!"

"I shoulda known!" Mario squealed. "Wario, take-a me back home right this instant! This ship stinks of onions and I don't-a wanna be on it!"

"Why should I?" Wario grunted.

"Because it's-a me Mario and I'm-a the best, and I will hit-a you if you don't do what I say!"

"Yer looking shorter than usual," Wario commented.

"Shut up! I've got-a cold!"

"Yah whatever," Wario belched loudly, "Take em' both to the brig."

"NO!" Mario yelled. "I challenge you to a duel!"

Bowser sighed, wondering if he should continue to let Mario handle this.

"Huh?" Wario chomped on the garlic with a bored look on his face. "A fight? Why should I?"

"It is a pirate's honor to accept a duel!" Mario declared.

"Uhhh… no it's not." Wario said flatly. "Pirate's don't have honor."

"Yes-a you do! Inside…inside, you are a honorable and good-a person!" He clasped his hands together. "Look-a inside your heart. You don't want to-a do this mean thing! You can-a turn your life around now!"

Bowser face-palmed.

Wario stared at Mario for a long ten seconds.

"I really can't take you seriously when you're so short. Ya look like an ugly midget. Men, take em' to the brig."

"%$# -a you!" Mario screamed.

And so, Mario and Bowser were both shamefully taken down into the ship. Mario, little and outnumbered, could not do much, while Bowser's only two options were to burn the ship down or to try to rush six pirates with swords, which was not something he really wanted to try. Besides, what was the worst thing that could happen?

"Strip!" Shrieked a shy guy pirate.

"_W-what? Why?_" Mario sputtered.

Bowser laughed.

"Not you! The big turtle!"

"_What?!"_ Bowser roared.

"We wanna make sure you aren't stashing items in your shell!" The shy guy poked Bowser with a sword.

"How dare you?!" Bowser roared. "You can stuff me in a cell, but I am not taking my shell off!"

"Tee hee," Mario giggled.

"Weeelll…it does seem like a bonny bit of effort," The shy guy complained. "All of you looks fat an' heavy, including the shell. …Well, a'right, into the cell scallywags!"

Bowser and Mario were herded into a cell.

"Do you have any other cells?" Bowser demanded.

"Eh? Yer lucky we didn't strip ya! Shut yore trap!"

The shy guys locked the door and then walked away.

"I feel like that-a could've been handled better," Mario said contemplatively.

"Shut up," Bowser groaned.

The furnishings of the cell were very simple: one side completely dominated by iron bars, a dusty mattress with pillow in one corner, and a bucket in the other.

"Oh boy! A bucket!" Mario exclaimed.

Bowser groaned again and climbed onto the mattress, and dropping his head onto the pillow.

"OW ^%$#! Bowser brought his head right back up from the pillow and cut a hole into it with a claw. Eight big rocks tumbled out.

"Maybe if I-a put the bucket on my head, I will get a powerup!"

"I can't stand it…" Bowser mumbled, falling face-first back into the mattress.

"Hey-a Bowser, do you think if I-a put this bucket on my head, I will-a become Bucket Mario? Gee, this-a bucket smells funny."

"I'm going to eat this mattress…I'm so hungry…" Bowser started to chew on the mattress.

"I don't-a feel any stronger! Hey Bowser, do I look different? I can't-a see anything!"

_This is how it ends, _Bowser thought as a large chunk of the mattress disappeared into his maw, _Both of us crazy, raving in a cell together. Me eating a pillow and then a mattress, and Mario running around with his head in a bucket. Oh…why oh why…?_

There was a loud creaking as a dangerously obese man came walking into the brig, followed by a tremendous creaking as said man sat on a small stool opposite the cell.

"What do you want?" Bowser moaned. "Are you hear to laugh at us?"

"Yes," Wario replied, taking another bite out of an onion, "Wah ha ha!"

"Who-sa there?" Mario took the wooden bucket off of his head. "GASP! Wario! You jerk!"

"I'm trying to decide what to do with the two of you," Wario said thoughtfully, "Any suggestions?"

"You let us go!" Mario shouted.

Wario shook his fat head, which accidently sent his cardboard pirate hat falling to the ground.

Wario strained to lean over and reach it for ten seconds.

He gasped for breath and finally gave up. "I can't just let you go. It won't make me any money."

"Is dat all that's-a important to you?" Mario shook his fists.

"Yes. Anyway, maybe I'll sell you both back to your own kingdoms." Wario stood up after several seconds of effort, getting up off of the stool just as it collapsed. "Now, I'm getting out of here before you two start getting intimate again."

"_What_?" Bowser grabbed the bars of the cell. "You don't believe that, do you?"

"Whatsa intah-mat mean?" Mario garbled. "And hey! Come-a back here!"

"We'll reach the Mushroom Kingdom in five days." Wario said without turning around. "Have fun." And then he was gone.

"Five days?!" Bowser collapsed. "No… FIVE DAYS?! I can't survive in here for five days…"

"How-a rude!" Mario stomped a foot. "I wasn't-a done talking! I wanted food! Hey-a Bowser, do you think they put-a the food in this bucket? Is this-a pirate plate? Hey! Hey! Catch!"

Bowser wasn't ready. The bucket flipped over twice in the air and landed on one of Bowser's horns, covering half his head.

"BINGO!" Mario screamed. Was he losing it too?

_I can't do it…I just can't do it…help me…somebody…_

"_I'll help you."_


End file.
